you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
