he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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