New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just had sex on a roof
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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