i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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