Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
