my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
