I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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