True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
