i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
