You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
