I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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