pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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