Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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