my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
