i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Randomize
