I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
