the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
