No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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