maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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