I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
