my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
