someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
