I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
