turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
