had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
