maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
