is your mom at the bar?
dude i'm inner monologue high
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
