that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
