where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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