I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
