oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
my nose is crying tears of wow.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
