I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
