She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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