im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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