i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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