3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
