I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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