maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
