i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
