Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
