I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she peed on how many people?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
