can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Come on in and take your pants off
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