Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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