I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
