if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
