So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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