I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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