take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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