So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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