Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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